What is this LIFE?!!

a comment on friendship.

2012-02-11T23:43:00.000-06:00

i have some seriously great friends.
in this moment.

others are seriously lacking.
the ones that claim to care the most, claim to be there the most, are seriously lacking.

i just don't understand.
i don't understand the flux.

i suppose as someone who has always been a loner,
i would understand the constant fluctuation.

you know, i think i do understand the fluctuation.
what i don't understand~
is why everyone thinks we can be bff,
that best friends can maintain a good friendship "forever"

why even claim it?
why pretend that you're going to be there for me when you're not going to be?
why pretend to care when you obviously don't?

there were so many years that i gave up on the "best friend" concept.
and then... i came back to it.

i think i'm turning on it again.

i've changed, you've changed.
i've always been a loner, that's never changed.
i've always loved knowing everyone,
being on good terms with everyone.

i guess we're still on good terms...
i guess i'm tired of trying with you.
i guess you'll get a hold of me when you need a friend.

always wondering

2012-02-11T23:01:00.000-06:00

everytime i look at le blog and see cities from where people take a gander, i wonder who are these people? do they know me? anyone who follows and reads this... may know me better than many of my friends at school, and otherwise.

i wonder how many pages i have written, if i were to print off my blog.

sometimes i wish i had it all handwritten... because i love my handwritten journals. or i wish i had also kept up with writing by hand as well as the blog. but alas.

i made a friend last week. he had some pretty serious low back pain, so i made a house call, and he would stop by after his work day, after my school day so i could keep track of him. i saw him five days in a row, and now he's had two days off. i hope he is doing his exercises, and healing up well. but now i am learning- that i have to leave the body to heal itself, and that if the patient chooses to make the right choices to assist in healing, they will, if not- then how fast the body heals is out of my control.

after treating him, we sat and we chatted, and learned many good things about each other, and that we have many things in common. it's really nice to have someone here that knows who i am, and seems to understand. although he's midst finding himself, and has much to learn about himself. i kind of love meeting those people, midst all the change, because i have been through so much change and growth in my life, that my common sense is in tact, and i am usually a good person to confer with. sometimes i wish i had become a psychologist, but i think i will have patients that i can help emotionally, and am excited that i will have a more diverse way to help them.

anyways, despite going to class, and having a busy week in clinic, i haven't done much schoolwork at home. which is good, because i've given myself time to breathe, and bad... because midterms are going to take a serious toll.

keeping my spirits up.

determination or focus?

2012-02-02T20:35:00.000-06:00

so clinic- i'm still slipping up here and there, forgetful about paperwork, not detailed enough in paperwork. i feel like all of my examination, and assessment is good, and then i forget to write down this or that. i think i need to get my thinking cap on, and when i walk in there, focus, and be determined to get it all done correctly. i feel like i've got so many things i know i need to do, and then i forget this or that, or all of it at once, and then the same clinician looks over my same stuff, and says "come on..." so i'm a little disappointed in myself. but i know it's a learning curve, and i will improve more and more.

i'm slowly improving here and there on this and that, and the hands on stuff. i've seen and adjusted most of my patients just once, and i think it will be a learning curve to figure out exactly what each patient needs. but it's good.

so this week: 35 hrs of class, 15 hrs of clinic.

this weekend: practice AK with some friends, maybe a show, superbowl with friends, and studying for this test i have next week.

can i just bail on the studying?~ from what i hear this is the hardest test in this class anyways, i might as well just blow it. oh wait. i can do this. i think i'm getting into the "go Go GO!" mode... the hardest thing about this schedule: fitting in time for food, grocery shopping, cleaning/organizing, laundry.

yeah whatever

2012-01-29T20:37:00.000-06:00

yeah i'm overwhelmed. but i'm pretty much not caring. i'm enjoying my time outside of school- meeting people, doing things, hanging out. i'm a little nervous i'm not gonna get my tail in gear when i need to.

sigh.

kind of wishing for the moment i'm in love and working. or maybe just dating. i'm hanging on to these moments. i'm going to miss st.louis so much. i am so thankful.

getting there

2012-01-16T02:07:00.001-06:00

i'm getting there.
i'm slowly getting the mentality i need for this semester.
i'm thankful for the long weekend. that i'm finally getting some things organized. getting some things done. albeit slow and tediously.
also: made it to church.

so here's the thing about church: it scares the shit out of me. the fear of rejection. leaving my bed, when i know my bed won't reject me. the fear of knowing no one. which wasn't a fear on the first day. but going on my own the second time... i had so much comfort the first time, the first two people i met- they became my safety net. the kindness is... scary. unexpected. for those who know me, or maybe read that far back in my history: i'm an atheist, yes, still. i went to a unitarian universalist (UU) church.

the thing about walking to a church in general: it's generally assumed that you believe, or are of whatever said denomination the church Is. the thing about UU: everyone is their own person and allowed to believe whatever they want to believe, but together believe in common goals, morality, kindness, helping others... or yeah something. i generally love this theory... until i realized that more people would be asking me "what do you believe?" or "what is your religious background?". i haven't been asked what i believe.. in a long time, and is generally a subject i kind of avoid. because i'm used to it causing conflict, which i avoid. so something about knowing that (my beliefs) may come up more often in conversation there... makes me uneasy. but maybe it will make me stronger and more confident. but i guess either way... the people are nice.

and there's a boy who looks at me like he can read me. and that drives me crazy. melt my heart now and make me run for the hills. those eyes.

yeah. but my house is coming together. so as long as i can keep my house in good shape, and get a little better at time management... i should be able to survive this year. so scared that i'm almost done. it's so close. not sure how i got here. but i'm getting where i'm going, without hardly time to breathe.

haha. oh dear.

2012-01-11T17:17:00.001-06:00

my friend posted this on her fb...

Per Mr. Radio Announcer Guy: 2012 Love Life Prediction...find the nearest book, turn to p. 45, read the first complete sentence. Interpret on your own.

and i decided to do it, and despite i don't usually re-post, or post replies, as if someone else cares what my life predictions are. cause i know they don't. so i'm putting it here. hah.

my book: "the happiness project" by Gretchen Rubin
p 45, first complete sentence:
So I made the resolution "Don't expect praise or appreciation."

haha. let's just say that's a bad love life prediction for this year. i don't expect much of anything from anyone... but let me tell you, if someone expects to be in my love life, there's gotta be some positive feedback. so i guess maybe that's the prediction: don't expect a love life.

and since i'm thinking my resolution for next year will be to "branch out and date more", i think that this year being a little lame in the romance dating land is a-okay. or maybe it means that i'll be dating ass-holes? haha. oh dear.

cheers to no expectations!

anyone else find a book and a line? anything good?

compliment

2012-01-11T16:50:00.000-06:00

so i went to a bagel shop... and the cute guy brought me my bagel to go... "here you are lovely miss kat" queue great eye contact. do you compliment all the cute girls that walk into your shop? kind of made me feel special, but i kind of have a feeling that's a common compliment. or is it?

yep.

made my day.
people should spread nice compliments around more often.

a new year, 2012

2012-01-04T00:08:00.001-06:00

no resolutions. i have no big changes i want to make. lots of learning this year, hoping to stay in school, keep the motivation going. learn to have some self-esteem, feeling proud and capable. i am a little in awe at how these years have flashed past my eyes, and that in one year, i will be nearly doctor. and i am proud that i have a handful of people that believe in me- and that there's atleast one that is convincing.

i am glad for my time here. i am glad for adventures. yep. also getting a little excited about real life, and growing up, and discovering new cities. despite there's a possibility of a job here... i still would love to pic up and start somewhere new and fantastic.

yessiree.

one thing i am sad about with this break: i fear not seeing my friends for another year. i think i may get a four day weekend next year for winter break. i feel like i am going to miss them more than ever. but am a little excited about feeling more like an educated grown-up next time we meet.

time flies, having fun or not.

2011-12-28T23:37:00.000-06:00

in the moment, i suppose there are times that time doesn't fly. but you never remember those long moments. my hs graduation felt terribly long in the moment, but it's gone and i'm so much older, and i'm apparently close to reaching the the end of my schooling, and starting a career.

but for now. i'm on my winter break, which is longer than many people have... but it's always too short. i think i spend too much time sleeping, recooperating, and not enough time playing. despite playing~ usually involves going out with money i don't have to do things. but thats okay i think. i'm young, and there is still plenty of time to find best friends, significant others, and there will be time to play.

i have 13 days left, and i already feel like i've run out of time. i hate that feeling. it looms and makes me feel worse. i think i should work on meditation and breathing, being in the moment. hm.

the things i've learned.

2011-12-25T20:35:00.000-06:00

emotionally funky. that's pretty obvious. but okay at the very-immediate moment. i'm super worn out. i'm feeling old. playing the new dance video game for the xbox kinect pushes me more towards moving to southern california to work after i graduate. i feel like in califonia, i can be warm, and happy, and that there will be plenty of time and people my age to socialize and feel young with. to go out dancing.

i see those dating websites on commercials, and sometimes i just want to sign up and meet someone where i am, and fall in love, and stay just where i am. sometimes i want to get out of my shell, and introduce myself. or atleast be brave enough to ask someone to dance with me.

sometimes when i'm with my family, i feel like i'm behind. that i should be married with children and a real job. or any job- not necessarily a "career". i feel like everyone else has done everything right and i've done everything wrong.

i went to get my hair cut... and the woman who does my hair, was telling me how my dad comes in and brags about how great his daughter is (me). it's funny, because i think he's so much more proud of everyone else. he never tells me anything like "i'm proud", or anyone that does~ i don't believe them. at all. i don't believe anyone. no one says anything in any sincere tone, no one asks anything about me.

ya know what i appreciate? i'm pseudo-friends (ahem, facebook friends) with this amazing, beautiful girl, who has pursued her artwork, lives in chicago, chooses not to drink, and is single (i think by choice, she is dropdead gorgeous and amazing, i seriously don't know how she hasn't snagged a gorgeous and brilliant man). i appreciate that. i want to be stronger. i want to be that beautiful, strong, woman.

really?

2011-12-22T23:17:00.000-06:00

i have thought more about suicide since i've been home. than i have over the past two years at school. this is also taking into consideration that i took 11 classes last semester, and am going to be taking 14 this semester. CLASSES not hours. 14 classes= 38 class hours this semester. yes family, this is what you do to me. i also think a lot about ex-bfs. i try not to think about future bfs... because honestly i wish that i could be left with just one, and know that i didn't have more heartache coming to me. but i'm sure i do. how could i not.

another thing i'm thankful for: dating my HS bf for almost two years. because after that, most break-ups weren't too awful. i knew how to do a long distance/long term thing, and i knew that it's totally possible to get through all that bullshit depression in greener grass, and to be a better person because of it.

knowing people my age that are dating that haven't hit that point... that haven't had the super serious relationship, then the super serious break-up, who don't know how to get that point, or don't realize that their relationship super sucks and they need to get out of it, and it won't be the end of the world. yeah.
~if you believe you're amazing and strong, you can find someone amazing that sees that you're worth it. if you're invisible to the person you love, they probably don't love you equally.

here's hoping that despite all the dreary days, i will have more green ones, and that hopefully i can make someone elses life shiny and bright too.

sometimes i think about the times i've wanted to die... and wonder if the future love of my life has thought the same things. sometimes i stick around just to meet him. sometimes i hope he sticks around to meet me. sometimes i think hope is the only thing that's left.

so cold.

2011-12-22T18:22:00.000-06:00

one thing i really really don't like about being home alone, at my parents house... is that's its so freaking cold. this house is not well insulated, and they don't keep it at a temperature that i can be comfortable. i need two longsleeves and a sweatshirt, and a blanket to be warm. so in essence: i'm never warm here. i like to feel warm at christmas. this is disappointing.

in my free time... i'm enjoying "Middlesex" by Jeffrey Eugenides. halfway through, moves along pretty well, i don't know how to say it, maybe its just that its not a textbook, but i love it. there's something about the character, that makes me feel for him. as a loner, i feel like i have things in common with him. i feel like there aren't very many characters that have this longing to be with people, but feel unable to do it for one reason or another. that feels like me. i have high hopes for this character, and can't help that its from a deep-seeded hope for myself. here's hoping for a good ending, that would be what i need... despite i feel like it may be too cliche american happy ending for this book.

i would also like to participate in some yoga, running, and deep sea diving (ahem, i wouldn't mind a numbing dip into lake michigan). but the fact i can't seem to get warm deters me from all of these activities.

the other thing about being home that i don't appreciate: why can't i seem to have a real conversation with anyone in my family? it seems like i can have a real conversation with just about any other person in the world that i meet.

thankful for my friend ashley h. i wish we lived closer. i need more amazing people like her in my life.

i think i'm going to give up on labeling my blog posts. who needs to find things by subject anyways? bleh.

life is messy.

2011-12-21T16:09:00.001-06:00

home for a holiday. and i remember why i am sometimes cold. because i don't feel warmth here (with the family). there are people that are warm, that i feel warm with, and that i'm warm with. they don't live here. well, my little brothers are pretty warm and amazing. parents= not so much. so huh.

i'm trying not to be bitter. i'm trying to be bigger than this. and happy to be here, and warm. but it's hard.

i will find my place in this world. even if it's not here. there are smart, open-minded, good-hearted, warm people... somewhere. people that stay in touch, and like to go out and play with their friends. yeah. that's what i'm looking for. well. hoping for. i'll look for it more actively when i graduate.

trying to focus on the good.

2011-11-30T15:45:00.000-06:00

13 tests left in the next 15 days. my focus is shot, i've lost my goal in life. i am too far in debt to deviate from finishing school. although in this very moment, i wish i had never started. i am jealous of the kids who work little jobs~ in coffee shops and such, that find time to live life, enjoy friends, time to play. i'm afraid that there won't be a day for me to play.

sometimes i wish i had cancer. or that i get into a horrible accident so i don't have to worry about loans, or applying for jobs, or running a business~ what if i fail? what if it doesn't work? what if i can't do it? what if i'm not strong enough?

i'm trying to forget all of this. i'm trying to remember that it will work out. there is no way i can trudge through all these tests if i keep forgetting about the good, the possibility that things will be great, if i keep worrying about the "what ifs".

right: short term. i will get to sleep and enjoy friends in a few weeks.

better

2011-11-12T00:40:00.001-06:00

i am feeling better.

i have come to remember that i am capable of filling the void. and that all my little inexperienced friends drive me crazy when they dwell, and fill voids with the next boy/girl that comes along. because i don't think it's fair for themselves or for said boy/girl dropping into their lives. it is a hole in the heart, that wants to be filled with love and emotion- and if someone gives any attention, we are willing to drop everything for this new wonderful person cue palpitations.

i am officially very thankful for all the therapy i have gone through, all my losses, because i have learned to be strong and to recover. despite there will be sadness, loneliness, i am strong, and know how to be happy without relying on others.

on that note- i went out to a show tonight. got hit on by a 38y/o self-employed attorney. it almost makes me want to find someone to attend shows with. Or get a set of faux wedding rings. Or just stay in. but, he went his own way after some small talk, and i'm sure i could have sent him packing earlier without much offense. but... probably with some, because i don't know how to send people on their way tactfully.

i'm not ready to date again. trying to keep them at bay.

reassurance

2011-11-05T23:35:00.001-05:00

thankful for reassurance.

it's been a rough week. a lonely day- which i have done nothing at all productive during. even seeing friends- it didn't really matter, i was pretty deep in a funk, and sometimes there aren't many people that can help me out of it.

next semester is going to be super duper busy, i'm kind of thinking this had to be fate, that this is how i will keep my sanity, once i get through the heartbroken- still on my mind everyday thing.

i had the conversation with the best friend: you know, i feel like i don't know how people find love, what if i don't find it. and she answered me correctly (or politely): it'll be the right person at the right time. then reminded me of a few characteristics of his, that... really perhaps made this fellow not the most compatible for me. you know. my brain will go there, then backtrack. it'll say "you're wrong, you know you'll find love and happiness, that you'll get through this school bullshit". but it's just not very convincing, and it really is amazing to hear from someone i love and trust.

some days i think about driving into a tree. when i'm driving. i'm pretty sure i'd be okay with just about any outcome. and i don't think i'm suicidal despite those thoughts. i don't have the preference of wanting death to be the outcome of running into a tree (usually). i just want a semester off. i want a break. i want help, i want family and friends, and to be taken care of. or atleast to not have quite so many stressors in my life.

despite the besty and i have been talking once a week, i still feel like we haven't been especially aware of stuff going on in each others lives like we had in the past. and me reaching out- to be in better contact with her more this week- (well, to have any sort of human interaction) i think is really helping our relationship, or maybe a few relationships.

my favorite way to get out of a funk: kesha, yeah yeah yeahs, sleater-kinney.

so here it is.

2011-11-02T16:34:00.002-05:00

recently he's been getting on my nerves- just walking on them to be funny, him knowing i'm annoyed, then continuing on. he hadn't done this before, and he apologized for being a jerk this weekend.

i had taken him home this weekend, introduced him to my family, taken him out to some breweries (he had met the brewmaster at one a few months back, and loved a few beers at the other, but had never been to the brewery), i took him out with my friends. we came back... he left to go to his home (2hrs away), he called me that evening, and gave me a few sighs. he was like "soo.... uh" and i said "you don't want to break up with me over the phone, but you're going to." "well... i wanted to bring it up, but i just couldn't bring myself to."

i think we moved too fast, and the long distance was too hard for him. i had told him- someone asked me if we were serious, and i told my friend "yeah, i think so, but it's kind of unspoken, i think we're on the same page". and he said to me... that conversation made him think, and that he couldn't stop thinking about us being serious. but he had already brought me home to introduce me to his parents- he brought me home without thinking it was going somewhere? and yeah, he said the long distance was too much, and that it would be long distance for a set time... and that something wasn't sitting right with him about us. he was crying. honestly, i think that there were a few things that needed to be sanded out, but if we were both willing to work on them it could have worked out. even with the long distance.

my friend called me out once on ducking out when times get hard- and i stuck with this one, there were some things that drove me crazy about him- but they were little things that could be fixed with a little attention and sensitivity. and i was like "i can do this, i can stick this out, and this can be amazing and worthwhile". and then it was over. he had hugged me in the morning before leaving... and it was really weird and ominous. but we had also just spent two weeks apart for the first time since dating (two months)... and i think he really needs/ likes/ expects immediate comfort and satisfaction all the time, which i guess i can't really provide with school.

four days with him, and he didn't mention anything. anyways, i'm heartbroken-esque. crying on and off. and now that i have a little time to myself, i can't cry it all out.

yes. there are plenty of fish in the sea. life goes on. 99% of relationships don't work out (i don't know about that exact number but you know~ there's only one that really ends up working out). i don't have to give up my dreams for a small town in illinois now- but now i'm questioning whether california is the dream i want.

it still hurts. and i now understand why people search for love. but right now, i want to get back to loving my single life. it's going to be a very long, lonely, and challenging weekend.

i always appreciate relationships if i learn from them. but. i am still questioning my choice to give him my number in the first place. it doesn't make any sense to question it's over, but i guess maybe what i'd do in the future. i am also wanting to make a rule to keep myself from dating... until january, or til i graduate. i'm not sure which, but i'm pretty distraught about the situation. i also don't like saying no to people, because i think every moment is an opportunity, and i shouldn't pass them up. i hate when my heart gets hurt. my absolute least favorite, and alls i wanna do is protect it.

i think i need closure. but i also want no part of stirring my heart, and getting upset and broken all over again. broken. i just wish i knew if he feels like i feel, or if he doesn't feel the void.

well, huh.

2011-10-31T21:07:00.002-05:00

single.

my life.

2011-10-23T11:00:00.003-05:00

i'm already spread so thin. you're not thinking about me, you're thinking about you. you just don't understand what my life is. i wish i had the time, but you're breaking my heart. you're asking too much.

(this references about 8 different people and events occurring on the same weekend, and i mostly wish i could do all of them, and that none of them were affiliated with school).

so there was this couple.

2011-10-22T23:11:00.000-05:00

so i went to study at the coffeeshop. and then... this pair come in. and i recognize the boy- he goes to school with me, i don't think i ever got his name, and i wasn't sure what trimester he was from. i had never seen her before.

at first- they ask how each other is doing, how each others' schooling is going. i think it must be a date, something new, or maybe old friends catching up? and then they get to the meat of the conversation. they're ex's. her family asked him to dinner, he went- had there been ulterior motives? he apparently shouldn't have gone (says girl). but if the role was reversed, she would also attend dinner with his parents~ had they invited her~ but in hopes of ulterior motives, not just to have dinner with them, in hopes maybe potential of continued relationship with boy. hee attended dinner with her parents, with no expectations but a nice dinner with people he had grown to care about.

she can't be friends with him, he would be fine with being friends with her (if she didn't continue to express feelings for him). even if she was married- she couldn't be friends with him, because she'd still have feelings for him (which, i don't think she understands getting over someone, or finding true love that doesn't involve bickering).

she says "you can't tell me you don't have feelings for me".
"yes, i can, i don't have feelings for you"

she goes on to talk about- how she had a discussion with a chiropractor, how he made it work, he made sure to put aside time for her. she wants to give it another chance...

(did she not hear him, that he doesn't have feelings for her?)

so it continues... she goes on about how it could work out, how they should try again, etc, etc... he continues to say how much stress school is, and how there really isn't time, and relationships are stressful. "but they don't have to be~". but they are. and this entire conversation was stressing ME out. BESIDES the point, that why in the world would he get into a relationship with a girl- that he doesn't care about? that he has no belief it could work out~ and when they came across rocky waters- she wasn't willing to talk about issues they'd had in the past. how in the world can you move forward with so many ticking time bombs in the past?

he had asked her another question~ a general "are you going ~some location~ tomorrow?" and she got up, he asked again, she walked out. i don't know if they traveled together, but he followed her out.

i truly hope that he stands his ground. peer pressure from an ex is not a good reason to try again. not when you can't open all lines of communication, and begin to enjoy each others company again.

i am also thankful i have never been in this situation. very very thankful.

no formal date

2011-10-16T01:10:00.000-05:00

no formal date this weekend. i've got five tests this coming week, and i didn't intend on seeing him. but if i didn't see him this weekend- it would be a three week wait before i'd see him again. and my tests kind of overlap some material, making it not seems as overwhelming. he was scheduled to play three shows this weekend, so i was plotting during the week, and had intentions of surprising him- buuut, i fear surprising someone and not being welcomed, or for the situation to be more dynamic and stressful for me. i mentioned it to him thursday night, he was perfectly happy for me to come in friday night. he told me that his family would be at the show... i almost didn't go. that would have definitely been something that would have absolutely overwhelmed me to the endth degree without forewarning. the last thing i needed was to sit for three hours with his family, without him, not knowing what to expect. but i went, his family was great.

i intended to study at a coffeeshop then showing up halfway through the show so i didn't have to be toooo overwhelmed with family socializing... on the way, i got distracted while driving and missed my exit, it took me an extra hour to get there, i was worn out. i ended up just going to his place to hang out and nap, while he was gathering his things, getting ready for his show.

his sister invited me to her daughters birthday party in november. his father invited me to thanksgiving. i think they like me.

he understood that i had a lot of tests, he was going to try and see me next weekend or sometime... but i'm in seminars and inevitably have more tests. ugh. and he's running a beerfest in his town, so hectic. i've told him about my little meltdowns about school, he's been so positive to me. for me. i've never had that. i've never had someone that supportive in my life. ever.

my challenge tonight:
what is my dream? it's changed a few times. but i was wondering if i could live in a little town, if i could be successful, if i could be happy. giving up my dream? or adapting? i feel absolutely stupid for getting worked up about whether or not living in his hometown would make me happy, or if i could start a practice there that could be successful. because we haven't been together very long. but i kind of think thats important, i can't stay in a relationship that i can't picture myself being happy. but that's just it- it's not my dream, but i don't think it's needing to be "my dream" to make me happy, and i could make it my dream. i thought about it- if life continued with our dates and adventures on the weekends, busy work weeks, but me there- i could be very happy, and it would be amazing.

i haven't dated in so long. i've forgotten all about the emotional stuff that comes with getting serious. but i also think the emotional-serious stuff plays a much bigger part at this age (me 25y/o, him 34y/o) than when i was dating at 20y/o. i mean, i took it seriously when i was young too, but it was still a little bit more of a game, more free-feeling.

this life i've chosen.

2011-10-09T21:57:00.002-05:00

i have chosen this life. sometimes i love it, sometimes i hate it. so i've been crying the past two weeks, when i hang out with the boy, i wish that i had a job, and didn't have to come home to study more- i wish i could have free evenings, and every weekend to dilly-dally with. i am studying so much. and i feel like i still can't keep up. i feel like i'm not living my life, like my life has been on hold for years and years. i have friends with families and jobs (AND school)... i sometimes wish i had families and jobs so i could feel like i had a life (but idk if i could pass my classes with that much of a balancing act). so i try and remember that i can do it, i can put this extra thing in to juggle, because i want it there, because it's worth it.

he took me to an amazing tapas bar for dinner last night, followed up by a small brewery and a game of scrabble (he kicked my tail). when he left today, i cried. and that was it. that was the sign- i didn't realize i was falling for him, but i like having him around all the time. i mean, i kind of feel like i'm a little emotionally vulnerable because of the school stuff, and because i do feel like an island without friends or family. but i have kept him at arms length, that's what i do, i fear my heart getting involved and broken. but there it is, my hearts in it, i didn't voluntarily say "hey heart, lets do this" it went all on its own. i feel like that's a big step for me.

but anyways. i had this meltdown a few days ago- this horrible horrible- crying and crying, a small pause, and then another rush. and i looked at my blogroll, and someone had posted this poem. and it brought me out of my funk. i took my dry-erase markers and wrote it on a mirror in my bathroom so i can read it everyday. so, for those who may need it, i'm passing it on.

the laughing heart
by charles bukowski

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

tonight.

2011-10-04T22:06:00.000-05:00

tonight my fellow was coming to town to see Wilco again. -he had already bought tickets to this show, when his friend had asked if we'd go to nashville with them (her other friends bailed).

him, and a couple were coming, and he asked if i'd meet them downtown to have dinner with them. i said sure. a half hour to get there, and 10-15min of circling looking for a spot to park (i was about ready to give up, and come home- Frustrated), a Cardinals game during the world series, while president obama is also in town attending the game. ugh. yeah. a half hour with him, we went to the oyster bar, the food was good, his friends were a little older, seemed nice, we talked a little, and then we left. it didn't seem like any time at all. and then it took just about an hr to get home. absolutely awful. i felt like crying. then i got home and cried. an hr and a half in the car to not get any quality time with him? and i have all sorts of shit to study for? so stupid. super stupid. i am so cranky.

i should be over it. i like him, he's a great guy, and he likes me, likes spending time with me, and wants to do anything to make me happy. there are people in my program who have jobs and family. i am so goddamn burned out. i need to get better at juggling my life. i think we're one on one this weekend. thank freaking goodness.

a weekend in nashville.

2011-10-04T21:56:00.000-05:00

we drove to nashville, my fellow, his two friends (a couple), and i.

friday night we went out to dinner, and a bar~ their "strip" was lit up like vegas, and all sorts of country blaring, good, bad, indifferent. i forgot the cowboy boots i don't own, i forgot that this town was a party town.

saturday morning i woke with some sinus headache awfulness... he shared his advil with me- whichi am always leery of- but something needed to help me survive the day. it definitely was a huge help. we ventured during the day to some local breweries, to a print shop, and just around and about. that night we went to see Wilco at the Ryman. The Ryman is this amazing historic church, that apparently has had all the great country singers play at. it was beautiful, Wilco did a great job, and the church has the perfect set-up for optimal acoustics. unfortunately, i got a spell of dizziness and nausea. :P so my body was kind of in a fight with me this weekend.

plus, i haven't slept in in nearly a month, and my introverted self is all sorts of socially worn out. besides the point that i kind of felt over-analyzed by his friends. there's something about hanging out and meeting their friends... the conversations are so different, and usually pertain to people in their circles, which leaves me out of the loop. which is yucky and stupid. so that was a little frustrating.

he apologized for it- and is aware that it really is challenging for me. he was sincere. he could see my anxiety, and was fearing me freaking out and leaving him. i really am overwhelmed. i think it may have been too soon to swamp me in his extensive group of friends and family, i think i maybe needed more time one-on-one figuring out us.

RIP

2011-10-04T21:39:00.000-05:00

a professor of mine passed last thursday night. it's sad, he wasn't my favorite teacher, he wasn't the best teacher- or maybe just not my learning style. but he was my advisor. he was kind, straight-forward, had good intentions. i have a friend who was pretty shaken up, she had talked to him the day before about things going on in her life.

i still... have a very abstract way of accepting death. which i think is from 1) i'm an atheist, and 2) i haven't lost anyone close to my heart. so basically i believe the theory "energy cannot be created or destroyed" theory, and that only peoples bodys die- the energy from within is passed on to another place in this world, not necessarily reincarnation- but possibly moving on to their next life- a bit of a hindu train of thought.

i know that i will never see them again. but i still have a childs train of thought- if my mother died on the way to the store when i was young, well- she must be lost at the store- or somewhere else in the world. i imagine he is in vegas, because i remember he loved vegas, and i will always remember that about him.

my heart is really going to be shredded when i lose someone important in my life. expect to find me shattered.

labeling.

2011-09-25T20:06:00.001-05:00

it's been three wks, and i think we've made it to the boyfriend/girlfriend stage.

my saturday.
earlier in the wk, he asked what i had going on this wkend. i had no plans. he offered to come see me. that would mean driving 2 hrs to st.louis for the fourth week in a row. i told him i had no plans, and was willing to go to see him, but stated- that i am not the type of girl to invite myself over. he took me up on the offer and i drove to his place.

he rents one of the littlest houses i've ever seen. but it's cozy, i don't think he needs much more space.

we went out for brunch. he took me to a winery, and then another... out in the beautiful middle of no where. we went back to his place and listened an album i brought- the same musician that we were listening to when we first met. we went out to see an ziegfeld follies which was playing at the little theater in town, followed up by dinner, and back home. we had plans to see a band, and to go out to a bonfire... but we had been wiped out by the day. he filled every minute of it. it was impressive, slightly overwhelming, but amazing. and it made my weekend feel forever longer.

he also bought me a bottle of wine from one of the wineries... i officially need to buy a good bottle opener. and so does he. he had bought a bottle of wine to take out to the bonfire, and we were in the mood for a glass when we got back home in the evening... we searched his place, and found none. soo we had an adventure to the gas station, picked up a cheap bottle opener... which he put in crooked, which he drove right into the glass side of the bottle... i peeled the adhesive cover over the neck of the bottle, a big chunk of glass came loose, i cleaned up and rinsed off the jagged edges... "be careful" he warned me, as there were shards still lingering about in his kitchen. and we drank while watching a movie from the 1930s on the tv.

it's still so strange to spend time with someone that makes me so at ease. over the course of the week pre-date... i had warned him of my lack of trust in what men have to say to me, and he said that what he says to me isn't preconceived.

we're going to nashville this weekend, and i asked him to come with me to michigan for halloween. which is a month from now, and seemed a pinch too soon to ask, buut it also seemed like the right time. before leaving i said "i think our time dating is coming to a close" or... something along those lines. as in- we're moving forward from just dating. but i am still not comfortable with the terms boyfriend/girlfriend, but i think that will come with time. and i'm glad he didn't say them either. i think we're in the same place, and that we have an unspoken understanding that i really appreciate. i think at some point i would like to know how recent it's been since he's had a serious relationship, for fear that he may be in a rebound. but i also believe that i shouldn't fear things that i don't know are true.

date... 2? or was it?!

2011-09-19T21:21:00.002-05:00

so he took me to a beer fest. with some friends of his. so the only one on one time we had was at the hotel. (thus the uncertainty of labeling it a "date"). (ahem, we weren't driving around post-beer fest). but he still spoiled me, paid for my ticket in, dinner, hotel, breakfast. and he doted on me, and told me how smitten he was. that he could hardly contain it. which is adorable, and amazing. i am extremely comfortable with him. we haven't had the "so, what is this? what are we calling this?" conversation. but we've texted/talked every day since i met him. i have an inkling that this will last a minute. that being atleast a smidge longer than my recent suitors.

i feel like i am keeping myself a bit guarded. which is safe, and probably some due to the last two boys i was spending time with.

my brain is also going into this mode of picking little things apart. every once in a while i think "what will my parents think?" my parents would like him, they like most people, but i'm sure someone is going to drop their jaw and say something about the age difference, or maybe if i don't say it, they won't ask. or maybe they won't care, since my parents have both remarried someone 10+ yrs diff. idk. honestly. our maturity level seems matches quite well. and then my brain says: "he lives 2hrs away" ... which isn't necessarily bad, it gives me breathing room, allows me to know more about him, without the lusty-i-love-cuddles-and-immediate-gratification sort of thing. he's great at communicating. and is good at replying to all of my weird out of the blue questions/statements. i often attract the boys who like my matter-of-fact-ness. i think this one actually appreciates it. because he seems to respond honestly.

from what i can tell.

i still have moments where i think he may be just saying things that i want to hear. i hate that feeling.

but anyways, he's invited me to go to a show in Nashville with him. i'm pretty excited.

tell me how you really feel.

2011-09-13T18:25:00.000-05:00

i feel like my family would love me more if i became a chef, or a teacher, or just about anything else.

it's just one of those days.

so what happened?

2011-09-12T19:48:00.000-05:00

DATE
so. 34 y/o def knows how to take a girl on a date.
local brewery, w/ scrabble (outside on the beautiful outdoor patio, in the sunnyshine), followed by a walk to a fantastic local mexican taqueria for dinner, super legit.

he also does this: what are you thinking?~ thing.
which i think most girls don't answer.
but... he did it at a good time, where i was midst "what were you expecting when you asked me out?" and being the girl i am, i decided it would be good to put it out on the table.

he explained... that the night we met, he had been talking to a female friend at the bar, and was telling her "i'm fed up with women, i'm sick of the bullshit... etc..." and she was like "hey, she looks nice" (referring to me), and he was still just like "no, i don't care, i'm done with 'em".
... and then he decided to introduce himself.
and continued to explain that when he asked me out, his intentions were good, that he did just want to spend the day with me and get to know me. that he had been impressed that i wasn't willing to take shit from the dumb guys he was hanging out with. (as i thought to myself~ those guys gave me shit... ? but i guess they did, and i just don't tend to realize it, because when someone pushes at me (teasing, etc), i push back. and i'll play the funny stupid games for their entertainment, while not making an idiot or demeaning myself or anyone else involved.

so all in all, i had a good time. a two hour drive for dates seems ridiculous, but it could been, i won't become needy or dependent this way, i'll still have all my independence and nights to play. and since he's in a local band, and loves local music, he totally understands my devotion to going out to shows and doing my own thing. he also really liked that i have favorite local bands... and to be honest, i really am surprised and enjoy that we have that in common. for sure.

so yeah. totally a good date. i like my new friend :)

a sunday date.

2011-09-08T21:09:00.000-05:00

the boy i met on saturday... well we've had a texting conversation going pretty consistently morning to night since.

he asked me out.
and i said yes.

so i have a date. the last boy who asked me out... well he didn't take me out. so i'm pretty excited about having a date. for some reason i believe a 34y/o who asks me out, probably has a better understanding of the world, of dating, of women, than the other boy.

i can't decide if i'm excited about the one date, about the potential of more dates, or knowing that someone's interested, honestly. i wish i knew what his expectations are, or what his usual dating circumstances are.

i guess being asked on a formal date when i was only a little bit expecting it... well it's a bit of a compliment. and i guess i should take it seriously, because he's driving close to two hrs for it. generally i wouldn't expect anyone to drive that far for a first date. atleast not unless they sincerely believed there was something there, a chance, a spark. maybe?

i don't think i have expectations. except that i expect it to be a good time, i have no doubt in my mind, that he will be good company~ and i guess whatever happens happens.

wish me luck!

boys, men? dating?

2011-09-04T20:42:00.000-05:00

i attract the strangest males...

i think me and that Amp boy are potentially very done. i don't really think i have the time or patience for someone who really can't communicate well.

but i may have another date lined up...

from a 23y/o to a 34y/o is interesting... i think these dating world experiences are really going to make me believe that age really is just a number.

i think i'm almost ready for school to start. more structure in my life seems like just what i need... more structure, less confusion, less options.

trust, patience, forgiveness

2011-08-27T23:06:00.000-05:00

Amp: the boy.

so i trust everyone right off the bat. for some reason this boy has had all sorts of conflicts with hanging out with me~ which has me torn. are they excuses? i don't hear from him, i don't hear from him- but when i do- i'm like "duh, i'd probably be overwhelmed and forget all my prior engagements too". and i like him a lot, and another thing that makes me question why i still doubt~ he's still the one asking me to hang out, i still feel like asking someone to hang out with me on this or that day is strange, overstepping a boundary... or something. or i just don't want to be turned down- which i don't think he would, unless he had other plans. i still get a little giddy everytime i hear from him- and he asks me what i have going on.

so since i met him 2 1/2 wks ago... he's had a friend die, a cousin in a car accident, and his dad did a flip off a pool today... and well it ended in the ER. i feel like either someone is trying to keep us apart, or testing my level of patience- because it has happened that he'll not have his phone on him to let me know what's going on... and i end up feeling stood up. until i realize, omg... what a bad day that boy must have had.

the first time it happened (feeling stood up, but then getting the backstory~), forgiven, immediately, but he says he's going to call and doesn't~ after a few occasions... it really makes me wonder. and i'm pulling my trust back a little bit. i'm curious if things are always a hectic mess in his life, or if it really is all coming down at once.

but in the end... it still feels worth it. something in my heart tells me this is okay, this is right. even if this isn't the end all, this is still right for the moment, this boy is just what i needed.

One day at a time.

2011-08-20T06:29:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure how I'm going to survive the day.

sacrifice

2011-08-10T22:25:00.000-05:00

so much sacrifice. i want to reap the rewards from my hard work.
this life is wearing me out.

this life needs more hugs. needing more hugs.

excuse me world... bad timing? or just what i needed?

2011-08-09T11:47:00.002-05:00

i was going to write a post last night.
it was going to be something along the lines of "i think every boy i've ever dated, has been my doing- my flirting, my asking to hang out, then dating"
it's mostly pretty much true.
and it's annoying. i hate being the seeker. i want to be sought after.

and then.

today i got asked out... said date potentially saturday.
yep. the world has turned inside out.
and i'm nervous... or something?
wish me luck!

a frump.

2011-08-05T22:17:00.002-05:00

so here's why i miss having a therapist:
they are non-judgmental, unless i'm really doing something off the wall stupid
they listen
they don't compare me to their own values, or expectations
they take my emotions at face value, and let me have them
i can tell them everything

EVERYTHING
how many people can you honestly tell everything to?
and have no fear of what their reply will be-

i really need to find my journal and start writing my heart out by hand.
i have too much to say and no where to say it.
maybe i'd say it if i could turn off the "comments" box... nah, people would find me and be determined to reply. maybe i should quit the blog for a few months... and pick it up later, and maybe no one would notice?

remind me to survive the semester, oh yeah, and the five after that.

x

2011-08-02T17:16:00.000-05:00

dear ex,

you are not welcome in my dreams.
stay the eff out.

much appreciated,
me

fast forward

2011-07-28T23:12:00.000-05:00

sometimes i just want to hit fast forward. the next three weeks... are going to fly, and they're going to be hell. i want to fast forward through the focus and learning. i kind of feel like that's a horrible thought, i shouldn't fast forward through my life, i'm supposed to make the best of it, these moments of learning and horrifying torture are important. or something.

kind of hating this today.

turn around.

2011-07-26T23:41:00.000-05:00

i'm trying to turn around my rant. so it's not just bitchy-whiny, so somehow i can make something good of it before i write an angry, hateful, fury-fest.

but honestly. i don't feel like writing it on paper. and it has to go somewhere.

yes mother from my childhood... you are still chiming in, telling me to bite my tongue and not tell the perp that i have been hurt, thus i will continue to be hurt. in fact, i almost feel like discontinuing [the blog entry] from where i've started.

i am heartbroken. this falls back into the category of- this is why i am a loner, this is why i like so few friends, this is why i keep my distance. and then, i have to put my heart on my sleeve, i go out of my way for you... and you don't notice, and you'll never do the same for me.

i guess now that i think about it... this doesn't even need to apply to this one incident. this happens all the time. all the damn time.

i don't know if this is something i should "learn" from. i don't know how to learn from it- do i quit trying?
do i give up on the friends?
do i distance further?
do i tell you "you suck, fuck off"

i feel like you're supposed to put your all into friends, but i feel like i'm the only one doing it.

i'm just going to have a heartbroken night.
i guess i'll get over this friend issue tomorrow, it seems that i always do.

do i keep reminding myself- that in the future i will make great friends- i will find them, because i'm determined? i feel like the reminder is all i have left.

i feel like i've been living on this "things will be great someday" for far too long. and it kind of just makes me want to give up. because right now, i don't think that day will come.

a phone call.

2011-07-23T12:04:00.000-05:00

i got a phone call from my dad this morning. i waited for him to leave a message first. he only calls once or twice a year- so i wanted to hear what it was about, you'd think i'd be too old to think "what did i do wrong"? but that's what crossed my mind. i must have done something wrong, i must be in trouble, he never calls me. the message claims he wanted to "chit-chat"- this doesn't ease my fears.

i return the phone call... but he wanted to "chit-chat"... well... it sounded like he wanted someone new to tell all about whats going on in his life. so he talked my ear off. and at the end- he told me he was real excited about seeing me as a doctor soon, and they knew i was taking an expensive route, but they're proud. and i cried.

the thing is. i still don't think you believe in me or what i do, you have no idea what kind of hell i go through. so the words make me cry- it makes me feel like you care, but somehow- i will always doubt you, when i was living in your household it didn't seem like you cared, and now... you may say the words... but without follow through, i'll never fully believe you.

bllluuuues.

2011-07-11T21:10:00.000-05:00

i don't usually let myself get very blue. but i think that is how i feel. i just want more hugs and love. which means i think i need more good friends that check up on me, and actually want to know how i'm doing. so many friendships... i feel like i put in so much effort with no return. i just don't have the heart to stop trying.

friends?

2011-07-04T13:41:00.000-05:00

so this is the first time facebook "friends" has kind of gotten to me. i had a friend in hs... and she recently contacted me... oh you know, it's only been like seven years. and every memory of our friendship, was... of her crying, and having a pity-fest, and anytime she got ahold of anyone... it was to have herself a pity party. so basically i responded to her- and was like - why now? you have no one else to go to? or do you really want to say hi?

legitimately, she got offended. fine. and then she does the whole- i can't believe you thought that's who i am, "i've busted my ass to be a happy person, i don't know about you-"

fine. good for you. i had no way to know you'd "changed"- people don't really change. and thanks for bringing me into it. THANKS.

so anyways- i apologized for being condescending, and felt that she cornered me, so goodluck with her life. basically was my response. i'm hoping for nothing back. and maybe to unfriend her. or maybe i'll just leave her with everyone else. i don't really "unfriend" people, because honestly i don't really care that much. i got rid of the ex, his friends and family, because they felt like cancer. she doesn't feel like cancer, she just reminds me of a bug bite... and once every few years i realize she's still there.

i hate to be "mean" about people. but this is kind of the theory of getting rid of toxic/leeching people in our lives. i have a tendency to keep them, and help them grow and learn; although i have a much better approach to it... and i keep my heart at a safe distance. but i don't really have time for people to show back up ten years later, pretending nothing changed. when everything has changed.

and honestly... i'm going through some serious life altering things in my life... and i really don't want to discuss it with anyone. especially new kids. when i really don't need any judgment right now. i just can't handle it.

stigma towards pot/ weed/ marijuana-

2011-06-25T19:36:00.000-05:00

so my little cousin... she's fourteen or fifteen... is writing on fb statuses "packing a bowl"- ahem of pot (for the .5% of the population that may not know). and i have an issue with this. i don't know WHY i have an issue with this. it may be that i don't do it myself... but i know a lot of people who do, and it doesn't bother me. i feel like even if she put up pics of friends smoking i would probably just roll my eyes, shake my head, and forget about it. i don't have an issue with people writing "getting wasted" on their walls... unless they're in HS... and then i have an issue with it. to be perfectly honest, i would be okay with legalized marijuana... but i think that there should be some sort of regulation, health warning... something? well, ofcourse i guess that would come with testing- since there really hasn't been any testing. it's not really life threatening... and i don't know what it does when driving, etc. but i assume it would be thrown into the 18yr old cigarette policy. OR maybe it's that it's family, even though i haven't seen her in 8yrs, and don't really even know her.

sometimes i wonder if i smoked pot, i would then know what it feels like, how it effects me... and then maybe i wouldn't have a stigma against 14yr olds putting it up all over their wall. but ofcourse... i don't know if that would change my feelings about that whole- putting it up on your FB status. and i also think that's a dumb reason to smoke pot for the first time.

content is a great place to be.

2011-06-24T22:16:00.000-05:00

Friday has been good. despite that whole "how the hell do i get out of bed?" issue. i finally did, and everything was good. probably because the besty called me on the way to starbucks. it was amazing.

sooo school is super uber busy. and it's making me anxious... well, no. not anxious. my anxiety is fine. completely in check. i'm getting a little worried about grades and keeping up. so my focus is shot, which... i guess is standard. so i'm certain i'll get through it. Just a challenge.

Friday night alone at home. i went out for a show last night. To Cicero's to see Union Tree Review... it was fabulous. absolutely what i needed. i would have liked to have a friend at the show, but w/e... still lots of fun. So i've studied, and cleaned, and working on a little life organizing... which has been in dire need.

altogether overall, happy. i am not worried about love, friends, family, my future. it feels kind of an odd place to be, and i'm sure it won't last long, but i appreciate it. grown up, alone, working towards a great future, content.

being thankful.

2011-06-20T17:56:00.000-05:00

i am thankful for my past therapists.
if it were not for them, i would not know how to compose myself, and talk myself down. lists of positive things, lists of questions to walk myself back to sanity.

sometimes i wish i could have my own cheerleaders. everytime people want to support me, i mostly just shut it down. i am the only person i really take acceptance, and congratulations from.

and honestly, i feel like i haven't accomplished anything.
it's kind of an awful disappointing feeling.

but anyways, i'm past it, i'm okay, i will accomplish something great- i just don't know that i'll fully accept it... even when the time comes. we'll see. i guess that's something to work on.

sunshine on a sunday

2011-06-19T13:48:00.000-05:00

sundays are always a challenge. always lonely in my brain and heart.
i think partially it's because sunday mornings were special days growing up, quiet breakfasts- baked goods, or whatever we could scrounge in the kitchen... nothing prepared, newspapers, news on the tv, good coffee, quiet house, besides the bustling of family about- just doing their own things.

during some of the divorced times... my father and i would play tennis, or catch a film. we were very close compared to anyone else in my family... i always felt closest to him. i've discovered there are very very few pictures of the two of us. i feel like much of my growing up was just the two of us.

so whether i've had a busy weekend with lots of friends or family, or if i've spent the whole weekend all to myself, sundays are always sad struggles of days.

i'm also back to the moment that i wish i had a twin sister. i wish i had someone that was closest to me, that i didn't have to hold back for.

anyways. back to this sunday. it's beautiful. and i'm studying all day long.

oh school. you are my life.

2011-06-09T18:46:00.001-05:00

school is my life again. i'm starting to enjoy it at the moment a little more because i like to dig my hands into the anatomy and stir it up, and see if i can make stuff make sense. and seeing fifteen pictures of the same thing from a different angle, in a different light... well it helps!! and learning to read xrays is just one more angle. a challenge. but a good challenge. keeping the wheels turning.

apparently this is supposed to be one of the more challenging semesters... well yuck. i am going to be brave, and have strong faith that i can survive and do well :)

oh world, i'm so confused.

2011-06-06T22:51:00.000-05:00

i know i can't rush life. but i just want so much. i want to be happy, i want love in my life, i want children, i want someone to call at anytime of the day, that i can text any time of day. that i could have someone to talk to, someone that knows me, or even someone that doesn't know me. someone that cares and is interested. i want to care and be interested. i do care, i am interested. i am trying to forget.

remind me, i am happy, this is good, my life is good, my life is best this way. not the loneliness, but everything else... i think.

here's a thought.

2011-06-05T01:49:00.001-05:00

i don't get over people quickly, it's kind of a rather slow sloowwww process. and sitting pondering in this moment, i thought "you know..." so despite the fact that i am overwhelmed with school... there is a moment where someone "loses the girl" and if they love and believe it's love (in the movie) they're encouraged to "chase after" the girl. and to be perfectly honest. if someone persisted with me. i would accept it. that i could make time for it, that the joy it brings me would be worth it. but alas, there is yet to be a chaser. maybe that's what i'm looking for. someone who loves me that much, or i guess- maybe someone i love that much.

or i should be thankful for people who respect my opinions and life choices?

i went to a few shows tonight (it was a festival at multiple venues, so i venue hopped), i think i saw... 5 bands or so (+1 that i walked on it, SO not worth it), and it was amazing, and i bicycled downtown stlouis in a skirt, visited the arch and laid on its lawn, and had a few drinks. everything about today was amazing. lots of sunshine, 95 degrees, but felt more like 80 because i was surrounded by cold concrete and the shade that ensued. BLISS.

still waiting for true love. trying to love the moment and my life in the meantime.

i am a sinking ship.

2011-05-28T23:22:00.000-05:00

i took my meds late. and i haven't eaten much. and i'm not hungry. but i'm sad. and i'm kind of dizzy, and i don't care. i kind of want to make it worse. i will eventually give in and make everything better... i will straighten out this train of thought. but sometimes i just have to feel awful. and i just feel so rotten inside, i feel rotten inside, and i feel like i deserve to feel rotten outside. so that's what i'm going to do...

feeling lonely and selfish.

thoughts on self, and my changes

2011-05-22T00:11:00.000-05:00

this is some to track my changes through my AK treatments. There is often a question asked "do you feel different?" i don't know, i never know, not really. Often people go to a chiropractor for pain- and feel a difference. I don't really have pain, so i don't really feel the changes.

But my energy is better.

And my mental processing has changed.~

i used to have these full circle thoughts, and analyses of everything in my life. It was stressful sometimes, but i felt good about knowing what was happening and what has happened in my life, that i wasn't ignoring it, or lying to myself about events and passing thoughts.

When i was put on medication (at 17 y/o)... the first thing i noticed was the dark clouds lifting, the second thing i noticed... was that i was no longer thought provoked. I remember at first being heartbroken about this. I could no longer write poetry, i felt oblivious and carefree; and i didn't like it... but i did like that i was no longer self-hating, and thought that maybe that was more important.

Now that i'm being treated with Applied Kinesiology (7 years later), my thoughts are back, i can go full circle, i am not depressed or self-hating... unless provoked by a person. There have been a few comments that have been made, which question my choices- thoughts that make me doubt where i am and what i've done; which send me into a downward spiral. Which is terribly unfortunate because almost all of my life choices are things that i am happy with, that i have complete belief that i have done things correctly for me, with the information i had at the time. I suppose questioning is normal, and being thought provoked is normal. I am mostly accepting of these changes, I feel like my brain is starting to function more naturally. I do think it makes me more on my toes, and i overreact more than i think i should, so it may take some time to adapt. overall, i think i like this return to health; or the beginning of a return to health.

textbooks.

2011-05-19T22:51:00.000-05:00

there is more reading this semester, than i think i've ever had assigned to me ever in my entire life. that's including HS when i read 22 books just for my english class... not including textbooks of any sort. And it's putting me to sleep, it's the first full week of school, and i'm already procrastinating.

I'm considering adding "reading time" into my schedule... although i'll hate it if i decide to follow through, i think i'll also be rather proud of myself.

trying to responsible.
trying to stay stable.

i still have some sadness pooling in my heart. it's time to be tall and brave, to believe that all will be well and come together when it needs to.

there is something missing in my life. i really just want to patch up this hole in my heart... i feel like i've opened myself up to vulnerabilities... and i just crumble.

so dating, whatever that is.

2011-05-16T20:25:00.001-05:00

So i guess i thought i wanted to meet people and date. i love meeting people and making new friends, but from my recent dating experience... i think that i was wrong. I do not think i know how to balance my school life with dating, and still keep my head on straight. I think dating is important, meeting people, learning about yourself, your expectations...

it turns out that i have an addictive personality; which i knew, but apparently i still have the lack of ability to feel loved and keep the feeling, without having/ feeling like i need constant attention. so if someone feeds into giving me attention... i can't help but think about the person/ the attention i waant, and i crave crave craaave more of it. and i don't need to have my emotions/ focus to be terribly distracted away from school. that already happened once and i failed a class. the first class i've ever failed... because i'm stupid, and have dumb priorities.

new priority: my sanity, my education.

unattainable, relationships, temptations?

2011-05-11T15:50:00.000-05:00

recently i talked with a friend about relationships. While in a relationship he still has the "she's cute, she's hot, i'd do her, etc" when seeing any girl that was attractive in his eye; and also made a point of not even being capable of hanging out with someone that he thought of as attractive, even in "friend-zone" it was a "not-option".

When i was in a relationship... the only people that i thought were attractive were unattainable movie stars, or i admire them as attractive to the eye, in an art sense, not in a "i'm personally attracted to that person, and i wouldn't be able to be friends with them, because i would be more focused on their attractiveness, and couldn't see them as a person." really and honestly, i didn't think of any as sensual, or as someone i would even make-out with.

So here's the thought:
was he just unsatisfied with the person he was with? or are there people who will always have an eye attracted/ distracted, by others?

was i just satisfied in my relationship? or is their some mechanism, that my brain just turns off because since its a "not-option" that my body/mind does not think of anyone beyond "friend potential" and thus- if they're attractive, it's art, not something that is some sort of temptation.

i know there's no right or wrong to my questions... but it does make my brain twist and turn a little bit, perhaps just making me a pinch uneasy.

self appreciation

2011-05-08T17:01:00.000-05:00

i have always had a difficult time accepting compliments. I also have a difficult time giving compliments.

It was recently asked of me "did your ex appreciate you?" and... i couldn't answer it. I don't know, if he did, i didn't know. but honestly, if most people do... it's hard for me to hear it, accept it, remember it, believe it. I am very particular about the people i love and keep near me, and just friends in general. I hang out with so few people in general that I believe anyone who gets the pleasure of my company should take it as a compliment. (which i know sounds dreadful and conceded). but from coming from a girl with middle of the ground self-esteem, when i explained that (conceded-ness)... well i kind of felt like an awful person.
~At the same time i had a little pride in the smidge of self-love that i discovered that i didn't realize was there.
~i really like you. i love all of my friends. i'm really sorry if i suck at showing it. <3

I'm bent: why i don't date.

2011-05-07T15:43:00.000-05:00

I'm bent on:

who i am
what i want to do
where i want to go
where i want to live

what i want to eat
how i'd like to live
what i'd like to look like

i'm bent on myself. call it selfish, but i care more about me than anyone else. wanna know why? because i've been trompled, i've drank the kool-aid, i've conformed, i've been unworthy, i've felt unworthy, and i still feel unworthy.

Yes, i'm sure that one day i will love again, and i will make compromises, but there only so many of them i can make. this is MY ONE life. i get ONE and if i want to live near the ocean, then goddamn it i'm going to live near the ocean. or atleast somewhere that makes ME happy. i can't just give up my life, my dreams, to live a life that only half-does it for me. i know that love is important, and i used to believe i'd go anywhere and do anything- temporarily, for circumstances. but in the end, i want to live somewhere that i am happy just existing in my own skin.

i just want to be happy existing in my own skin.

friday

2011-05-06T18:29:00.000-05:00

two weeks off. i cannot believe i haven't looked at any science books in two weeks.

saw family, friends. read books for pleasure, made new friends. had an awesome date. watched movies. slept a lot, lost a lot of sleep due to good times. probably could have used another night of drinking. and another night or five with the besty.

I am pretty satisfied. I know that school will start, and i will be sad confused, lonely, busy, overwhelmed. or i will stay strong, and i should say things like that, because that's what will make it happen.

It's going to be an amazing semester, i will learn to juggle fifteen things very effectively. I am fantastic, and can do this. rock on!

haha boys, and craigslist.

2011-05-05T00:32:00.000-05:00

you know what helps when you're lonely and need a laugh? craigslist personals. but let me tell you... if you're desperate/ alls you want is someone to make-out with. seriously... almost tempting. i definitely understand where people get caught in those unsafe schemes.

here's a question. so why do people ask "does he/she have a brother/sister [available]??" i've come to the realization, that no siblings are alike, none of them. I feel like very often they're very drastically different, almost to the point of being opposites.

bwahah!! success!!

2011-05-03T00:50:00.000-05:00

despite being belated, i'm still posting this!! because life is complicated, and i am really not someone who finishes things... and this one, for some reason, i was determined (despite, again, the whole failed doing things in a timely manner) to finish.

and i learned a bit about myself in the process. what a challenging month. hopefully i can maintain sanity for the next two years, and maybe i can keep track of some of it too. I really like my journal-esque thought-provoking blog... but there are days I wish I could actually keep track of my ridiculously overwhelming school life. Just in case anyone would actually like to peek into a chiropractic students' life. Although I do believe it would become monotonous after awhile. Hrmmm.

Za

2011-05-02T22:02:00.000-05:00

Just because i need to finish the april A to Z... despite late.

in scrabble, one of my most frequent "Z" plays is

Za (noun)
slang- pizza
first known use- circa 1970

brought to you by: merriam-webster.com

I also enjoy ziti in scrabble. mhmm

back to my normalcy of blogging:

i got a few double-takes today. am i attractive or not? why do i want to give up my year of being single? why is all i want is a date or an awesome make-out session, in which i could never have to see the person again?

so i think what i'm coming to now~ is my curiosity of dating traditions. so, where do people ask one another out? cute guy at the coffee shop? cute guy in the milk isle? do people become friends before dating?

i don't know. i'm really getting kind of sick of hearing about internet dating stories. and i'm not friends with the idea of being single two more years until i move and find my new place in the world.

and i've asked too many boys out. it's not my turn anymore. i don't want any part of it.

Yearning

2011-05-02T11:42:00.001-05:00

Yearn- (intransitive verb)- to long persistently, wistfully, or sadly [brought to you by merriam-webster.com]

i am yearning for acceptance, love, friendship, understanding.

i saw my doc today "you look thinner, have you lost weight?" (i am at a mostly comfortable weight, i could lose 10 pounds comfortably, but i have not done anything to healthily lose any weight).

"maybe, being away from home, without good food..."

8 days away from home is too much for me. I like eating well, I like my food, I like shopping for myself. Eating other peoples' diets, waking and sleeping on their schedules, sleeping here and there- wherever there is space, and stress. not just any stress, but family stress. Yes, i've probably lost a little weight, in an unhealthy way.

I am glad I saw my doctor first thing this morning. He's the first person I know that I've seen since I got back home a few nights ago, he makes me feel at ease, that he accepts me for who I am, that I can tell him I've made mistakes and he doesn't judge.

I've made mistakes. It's time to get back to that neutral space.

"On a zero to ten scale, how are you today?" (zero= horrible, ten= this is the best day of my life)

my brain responds to the question i've asked: I'm a three or four, really not so good. I plan to be a five or six in a few hours of moving around and distraction.

Things will get better, they can only get better.

X

2011-05-01T16:59:00.001-05:00

xoxoxo kisses and hugs.

i'm sorry i'm broken. i'm sorry i overreact. i didn't mean to. i didn't think i did.

for some reason i think everything has been my fault. i'm not doing anything right. which gives me a moment of "give it up". i don't mean to make it seem like i'm upset that you're happy. I'm glad you're happy. But i can't tell, you're happy and you're not. and i'm happy and i'm not. and sometimes the best thing you have in life, it feels like you throw it to the side to be with me, and i don't want you to. i don't need someone to be with me all the time. i just want you to keep yours, and i can keep mine.

There tends to be a misinterpretation with what happens in someone's life. With everyone I know, the only things that are ever discussed are the most bestest things ever, and the most worstest things ever. For some reason my ex-relationship isn't thrown into a good/happy category/memory of others because it was mostly neutral. Which honestly was the healthiest thing for me. I need neutral, my mental disorder needs neutral or i get thrown off kilter. It's sad to hear that people have this interpretation that i wasn't happy. i was as happy as i can be on these medicines. No, i wasn't overjoyed all the time, no i didn't talk about it all the time, and with such a long relationship~ if you didn't know me during the first few months, you probably also didn't see the exciting/geeked out emotions that come with something great/new/.

I guess this interpretation makes me have conflicting views on others' relationships. I guess it's either time to start biting my tongue, or reading some more books on healthy relationships/friendships. Maybe both.

Weird

2011-05-01T12:59:00.000-05:00

is it weird that i...

don't feel like a grown up, and still refer to "when i grow up" even though i'm 25?

feel uncomfortable about posting an award that i was given, partially because the girl that gave them out, gave out like 20-30 for 10 different categories? or maybe it was even more than that.

that i fear not accomplishing my dreams

prefer to be called a girl than a woman?

that i call men "boys" because i believe all men are still boys, and will remain boys, even if only in their hearts.

don't like spending more than 36 hrs with family. it's not that i don't like it per se... so much as i get edgy and kind of want to run and hide in a corner. i'm an introvert, and it takes so much energy to spend that much time with them. more than any other friends. i'm like a rechargeable battery. i seriously need 2-4 hrs of me time a day.

Very Very Delicious Chai

2011-04-29T12:56:00.001-05:00

i wonder what letter i'm supposed to be at? maybe i'll just finish it up as i go into the beginning of march.

I've heard of people making pretty latte's but i don't remember ever being handed a heart, or a beautiful flower in a cup. i will post pics later. but they are tasty, and gorgeous, i got mind at WormHole Coffee in Chicago, a super-chill coffee shop where students are comfortable coming and sitting next to one another without knowing one another to study, play, etc. They have nintendo 64 and classic nintendo, it's super amazing. Which kind of just makes me want to open up my own sweet coffee shop. except it would be 24hrs, because there are no coffee shops near my school open late, that would be chill to just hang out, get some caffeine, and get my focus on.

i'm ready to sit down in my own apartment with my little Benatar purring at my side, with a book. i'm missing learning and education. Living on other peoples schedule is strange.

so what's funny about my life.

2011-04-28T19:10:00.000-05:00

what's funny about this whole A to Z month. is that it's been a huge challenge in my life. so i survived the end of the hell semester, easily finding time. and now that i'm on break i'm having a difficult time finding internet and subjects to write about. and it's really a sad story because i tried to upload "V day" like fourteen times. and it totally failed.

but break is amazing and chicago is amazing. despite the whole weird/ lack off sleep.

UP

2011-04-25T18:13:00.000-05:00

i loved the movie.

but i'm referencing my mood. today i'm up. after the crying, bearing my soul, i feel better. I'm feeling more confident about who i am, and that being who i am is important. all of my life makes me who i am, and i am thankful for it.

once in a while i get pity comments, or when people wish they could have been there for me earlier. But I cannot imagine who i would be otherwise. there is the concept that i am who i am, for some reason i still feel like much different might make a drastic change.

i can't imagine what i would change about myself if i could.

tea.

2011-04-24T23:13:00.000-05:00

this year i quit my coffee addiction, and began my love of tea. I've always loved tea, but i use a little bit of green or black tea is good for a little bit of a lift. I never expected i could kick most of the caffeine out of my life, but it's absolutely possible. My absolute favorite right now is Lipton Bavarian Wild Berry, with local honey (local because it keeps my allergies at nil, i also think it tastes better when you don't get the super processed, more flavorful).

Easter was good. I had a fun adventure with my bestie in detroit, and the friend i brought along fit in fabulously, it all worked out well :)
good to finally have time to hang out with good friends, without the festering thoughts of "you should be studying"
except i still have festering thoughts, and confusion. but atleast it's not like "i must get X% on this test or i'm screwed".

finally a good cry today. finally. hopefully things will just fall into place, and things will feel right again.

sssssssssssssssssssleep.

2011-04-22T22:28:00.000-05:00

what happens when i have five tests one wk, and 7 tests the following? well, i lack Sleep, and nutrition, exercise (movement in general), and i end up a little extra sensitive.

I had my long car drive to michigan today (i tend to not keep track of hrs... it's usually between 6 and seven) i guess i left 10:30am central, and arrived 6:50 eastern (sooo.... 7.5 hrs today of driving, mind you, i also have no cruise control). these trips aren't usually too bad. except that my mind races, digs around and finds some mutty gritty thoughts to dig into, making myself feel all rotten inside, and i end up screaming, and crying (or trying not to cry)... and then i saw a horribly wrecked car... yeah. i think i need to start getting books on tape for the drive, i think that would highly improve my quality of life. or getting some sort of ipod hook-up so i can jam to my own tunes. (i jam to my own tunes... my tunes are just CD form... i own most of my music on CD as well as ipod, so that's useful atleast).

Right, well i'm super sleep deprived, and i'm going to be woken by little brothers rampaging around the house in the morning. so i need to rest up quickly and efficiently to successfully finish the adventure to detroit tomorrow!

PS by successfully getting through this semester I will be getting my second bachelor's in the mail soon YaY!!

Right fRom wRong

2011-04-21T01:02:00.001-05:00

so i came across a blog today... and he had a million different special fancinesses- but i'm sure he pays for the fanciness unless he knows how to make fancy websites himself. ~~in the about me~~ it said something like: this is my blog, if you're going be rude, hateful, well these are my opinions, and i don't want to hear it, if you email~ don't expect a response, if you write a hateful comment~ don't expect to see it posted (he reads them and has to accept them before they're posted). I like this... I generally don't have any issues, because most of the people who read are personal friends, and i try to promote open-minded and kindness. I love everyone, of all walks of life, and i like to learn how they walk.

i recently ran into a "griper". kind of the "i have a gripe with your blog" and it then went on to describe gripes on my opinions. So basically my blog has been more blah/ general for the A-to-Z... whatever comes to mind, has been my random topics, kind of impersonal for me. and that is NOT who i am. i wear my heart on my sleeve, if you've ever met me and had any conversation, you probably know that. What's funny- is i had this same exact issue years ago (ahem, within the first month i even had this blog... ahem, almost 7 years ago! with the same person), and it had the same effect on me, that "oh, duh, you're Right, i'm wRong, i can't write my thoughts and opinions on my blog". excuse me what? did i just bow down to give up exactly what my blog IS for someone? this is my release, this is all i have right now. So only just now i've come to the realization, that no, i won't do it. I'm sorry, YOU are not required to read my blog. and if you don't like my opinions, fine. keep your opinions, share your opinions, but how dare you tell me i'm wrong.

opinions. not facts. didn't we learn the difference in grade school?
gRowl. i'm fine.

i guess i may add that whole "my opinionated blog" to my about me section. i thought maybe that would be assumed with the whole "keeping track of my sanity" of my title. maybe i should change it to "my opinionated blog" haha. ugh.

QRANK and/or... quagmire?

2011-04-20T18:59:00.001-05:00

QRANK is a trivia application that began on iphone/ipods... i think you can play it on facebook now too. I've never had an interest in keeping up a little bit with news, but it also helps my test taking skills. that whole "don't change your answer" concept, and how to appropriately rule out wrong answers.

and i love quagmire. family guy is absolutely fantastic.

i'm super burned out. 9 finals is far too many, and i've only taken 8 so far. and my house is trashed. and it was 90degrees F here yesterday, and now... well now its like 60deg F.

I'm pretty excited to start reading for pleasure... i think i'm going to read "Dune" over this break. i think it's long overdue.

Presence.

2011-04-19T17:52:00.000-05:00

I have recently been more "in the moment", without that whole meditation thing, although... i still feel like time is passing me by when i look forward to this or that. Which i suppose i do far too often. While studying i've had more focus, and said "when i don't understand while reading this... I could probably take two minutes look it up on wikipedia, and actually get more out of the information". I retain the information much better that way. Which... I suppose i learned some years ago, when told that when people "actively learn" they retain more information than when "passively learning" although, sometimes i just wish i could just passively learn and remember forever. I forget that most people who learn well in classroom settings is because they have focus and a better attention span than I have and really are "actively learning" because often their wheels will be turning about the subject at hand.

Hopefully over this break i will work a little bit on yoga, meditation, and general presence. the here and now is what's really important. off to go put some new things in my brains for these finals (ahem, "review" some materal O.o).

hope the power doesn't go out!! fingers crossed xx

O is for Octopus

2011-04-18T16:26:00.000-05:00

This chick has an OCTOPUS on her head!! it's absolutely fabulous, the photography, the girl, everything about this picture makes me happy... except she made a comment about it stinking, sooo yeahh... i guess i'm glad it wasn't me.

(if the link doesn't work copy and paste it: http://www.facebook.com/VirusInsanityES?sk=info#!/photo.php?fbid=195829020459571&set=pu.114767711899036&type=1&theater)) absolutely amazing.

which also reminds me of:

ahem, this is "octopus the game". One of my friends came across it... i think at a goodwill, and we would throw sushi parties, and play Octopus... and basically this game is like twister, except you've got velcro wristbands, anklebands, and headband, and you roll a die, and it lands and says "right wrist" and roll again and it says "left ankle" so person one puts his right wrist on player 2's left ankle... and so on, and you can't disconnect unless the dice brings up one of the contacts that would really make your life a lot less awkward. So anyways, i don't think anyone really knows about this game, but it's pretty hilarious. one thing the makers didn't think about... sweat. taking turns using the headband after someone was sweating in it, well it was absolutely disgusting, as i'm sure you can imagine.

NEW music

2011-04-16T17:55:00.001-05:00

Record Store Day.
who knew there was such a thing? i do now. and if you're reading this... you know now too!! I have new music, and new but used... old music!

So anyways, i was studying when all of a sudden i got distracted with FB and twitter, pretty standard... and all the Record Store Day comments. Sooo, i can't resist, i love records with my whole heart, and i love music too. I went out, expecting to make just a short trip... it ended up being much longer than expected (ofcourse), although i only spent just over $20. My local record shop is Vintage Vinyl, in University City (St.Louis), there was free beer, free cupcakes (i resisted both temptations), live music, tons of people, tons of records. I bought a local record of Beth Bombara, folky-indy-rock type, Gershwin (my favorite classical) (on CD), and Pat Benatar's single "love is a battlefield" on record (because although i own two full length albums, neither has this song, and this is my favorite Pat Benatar song.

a Good day. i love new things. i feel like it's very american-esque to love and want "things"... and i am disappointed that i like things that are tangible. I hope one day i'll learn.

marriage.... shudders

2011-04-15T17:55:00.000-05:00

most of my friends seem to be getting married or having babies nowadays. To be perfectly honest, i would love a wedding or two to go to, and i have none lined up sadly.

Single girls i'm friends with have this "jealous of those girls getting married right now". And i'm just SO NOT jealous. I've come to the realization that i'm just not ready right now, and i'm really thankful for this freedom i have. And i may be wrong about this, but i also know enough couples right now, that i look at, and think ~ what were they thinking? Maybe I'm wrong, maybe everything is right for them, and i just can't see it from this angle. I've always looked at people and relationships and thought "X" years, that's how much time you should spend with someone before marriage; but no, i retract that statement, i have a friend that dated i think 6 or 7 years... and then married, and now, well they're unhappy. Or she's unhappy and he's oblivious, or that's what it was and now they're "working on it". AND "working on it"... from what i've been told over and over the past week or two, you can't change someone, they have to change themselves. It's so difficult for me to now look at couples counseling and believe that both hearts are completely in it. I guess that's the doubt and fear that will always live in my heart, the "what if".

I'm filling the glass half full, i'm filling the glass half full... the world is good, people are good, people have good intentions (even if they don't realize the cut and dry truth), everything that is meant to be will be.

lucky ladybug landed on my lens!

2011-04-14T20:02:00.000-05:00

that actually happened yesterday... it was unfortunate that it didn't happen today. but it was fabulous. i am losing ambition to study. already. 9 tests and 5 days left.

my favorite L word is probably love. because i think everyone should love and be loved. and to do what they love. i don't love school at the moment, but i don't mind it, and i definitely love it more than the real world. and i have plans to love the real world when i graduate and return to it. ahhh college life is never-ending.

kat, an evergreen shrub.

2011-04-13T18:50:00.001-05:00

so i resorted to the dictionary. nothing in my life has come up with k's. except my name... and i have a kitten... hmmm.

and i found my name in the dictionary: kat: is an evergreen shrub, and looking up photos by way of of google images, it's apparently an invasive species!! hah!! it's funny, because i feel like i am an overwhelming person at times with a strong personality. (assuming you give me a chance, if you don't, then most people just don't know~).

killjoy: one who spoils the fun of others. i used to use this word often! i had nearly forgotten about it!

kraft: is a strong paper... is it a name also? is that why there is kraft mac-n-cheese? it doesn't seem like their macaroni is very paper-like...

yea, i've got nothing. i saw my AK doc today, and he took my emotional stress away, as it was inhibiting my studies (and in fact, my muscles don't function properly when this stress comes up). but he fixed it! and hopefully i should be good to survive my next 9 finals (wait... am i even taking 9 classes...?? oh yea, maybe it's ten classes this semester... i forget sometimes.)

jaded, jeers, and jests.

2011-04-12T17:45:00.001-05:00

jaded, adj. brought to you by merriam-webster.com
1. fatigued by overwork
2. made dull, apathetic, or cynical by experience or by surfeit

I used to believe i was jaded. and maybe i still am, but for some reason, i'm unsure. I used to be apathetic and cynical (by experience)... when i was young, but now i think i'm just fatigued by overwork.

the hardships i've endured... are not something i'd wish for anyone. And those who know the stories, are impressed that i have come this far (when i say this i don't mean in my education, i mean, that i didn't run down any other tempting alley, or a misfortunate fork in the road) or that i've come this far, and i have yet to follow much of any veer, that i've always been on the straight and narrow. I now appreciate the support, but still let it roll of my back (the compliments), as if it was nothing. But if i'm ever brought to my memories, sometimes the sense of "come this far" falls under the category of "there were so many bad times, how did i continue?" At the time i would think "this would be great timing!" how awful. what awful timing. but, i still wouldn't have been disappointed in myself, or surprised if i had quit.

I was upset the other day, when someone seemed to jeer at my misfortune, that i chose this hectic life. It felt awful, and i considered it, maybe they were right. Honestly though, staying hectic and overloading myself with projects is the only thing keeping me going. If i slow down... I would rather just not wake up. I guess it's not that bad yet.

i guess maybe i am still jaded. i wonder if that's something that you can get past, if i can just move on? i thought i did. life is a challenge.

I is for ignorance

2011-04-11T00:20:00.000-05:00

often i dislike the word ignorant, most often i hear it used for individuals who are uninformed. and i suppose my interpretation of this man as ignorant is a bit obtuse. I received an email reply from my senator- (i sent a prefilled out form stating i appreciate what planned parenthood does as an organization and that i don't agree with the cuts the government ("the man" whoever he is)are trying to make). so this reply i got basically stated "planned parenthood is pro-abortion, and i work hard to protect the rights of lives of the unborn". I cannot imagine this man is uninformed. someone must have told him the many great things planned parenthood does, right? they educate! maybe he should walk in one sometime to know a little bit more.

As someone who is pro-choice, i would like to say "i understand where you're coming from as a pro-life advocate", i don't think anyone LIKES abortion, sometimes prevention fails, sometimes shit happens. but by removing the option of legal abortion, you realize that you would endanger so many more lives? lives of women (and well, "young women", i don't really like calling teenage females women, per se) who would risk their lives to find another way? has no one told you this? has this never crossed your mind? it might bring to light a few more problems in our society... but how dare you? You're one more white man against womens rights. why don't you just take away our right to vote? because controlling others is the right means to an end.

it's almost like religion to me, sometimes i think you need to say "i hear you, i don't agree with you, but i think that it's okay that you believe that, i think it's okay that you share my world." why can't we just share the world in peace?

this coming from the girl who already feels shunned into a corner about voicing my opinion. Maybe that's why i write, because i don't know how to fight with my voice. I'm an atheist, I'm pro-choice, I'm kind and loving, I'm forgiving, I won't always understand you, but I'll accept you if you accept me.

i also wanted to make an ex rant. but i'm going to try and silence it.

stay strong self. stay strong. the world is not against you.

Haterade., or maybe honesty.

2011-04-08T21:35:00.001-05:00

so yes, i'm writing H early. just because i have things to write about.

HONESTY.

really you're going to bite me in the tail again honesty? i guess i knew. this always happens. there are always things people don't want to hear, and instead of being honest, i should keep my mouth shut. i had no intentions of scaring you off. my emotions are scary, maybe the blog would have been better the way it was, hidden where no one could find it.

maybe in the future... i should tell my friends and acquaintances up front. i will be honest, if you can't take it, or are going to take it personally, go find some other friend.

i would say remind me to bite my tongue. i won't do it.

this is why i'm a loner. Or atleast it's the only thing i can think of to explain it. Or maybe it's because i like to be open, and everyone else likes to be closed.

gary sinise, gorillas, girls, guys...

2011-04-08T16:54:00.002-05:00

the letter G evades me today. i feel like every day there's a letter... and something fabulous comes to me, for the day before.

but i think Gary Sinise is fantastic (acted in "Of Mice and Men")

and Gorillas are awesome. just like Gorillaz.

and girls and guys... well... i don't know what to say about them today. girls are drama, guys are drama... and if they're not drama, my brain interprets it that way. my brain will MAKE drama. but only when i'm in a pinch for time.

oh you know what's funny? i went to the doctor a few days ago... and there were two little boys in the waiting room, about ages 4 and 7... and they were discussing god. and that god was better than zeus (the younger one), and the older one was telling him that zeus was a greek god. it really made me think about the complexities of growing up, and being told things, not being allowed to think for yourself. The young one was so set in his ways, it's so hard when you're little to believe one thing, because an elder told you "this is what's right", and then to be told it's not true, then learning how to have a disagreement without feeling overwhelmed. I still, to this day, feel overwhelmed anytime i have a disagreement. I certainly don't have melt-downs over anything, but it's still difficult to face a discussion without feeling slapped in the face.

Finals.

2011-04-07T18:47:00.001-05:00

Finals at Logan college. what does that mean?

(ahem, today is thursday, tomorrow is friday, listed below)
Fri ~test

Tues ~practical
Wed ~practical, test
Thu ~presentation (if my name gets pulled from the hat... uggh)
Fri ~ 2 finals (philosophy 4, orthopedics 2)

Mon ~2 finals (basic 2, diversified 3~~ these are both adjusting/technique classes)
Tues ~2 finals (physiology 3, pathology 2)
Wed ~2 finals (neuro-musculo-skeletal diagnosis, fundamentals of diagnostic imaging)
Thu ~1 final (basic nutrition)

then FREEEDOMM~!!!
which means i'll probably nap and eat chocolate and ice cream for the rest of the day.
still kind of absentminded and not as stressed as i should be. i was keeping count of days and number of tests before... annnd i'm just so over it. it'll fly by just like all the other semesters. i think it might be time to venture out for a mcflurry. mmmm, studying deserves rewards!!

sorry... this is all i'm really thinking about recently. unless F is reminding of the Falx cerebelli or something... goodluck everyone else in Finals with me, here, or elsewhere :)

elephants never forget

2011-04-06T23:01:00.002-05:00

i really should consider titles that are relevant to whatever i write about. although i have a fabulous memory, and often to a fault. unfortunately... it does take me a bit of practice to remember names, but i do remember events of my life in too many details. sad sad details.

E is for emotions. my emotions have gone haywire, and then i get stepped on. my day which was going well, and despite the stress, i was happy, not bogged down. and then... the stress hit me. i misinterpret things people say (or write/type), and immediately a drop a few points on my 10 point emotion scale. i don't use it very often, but i went from like an 8 to... a 5... and then it continued to decline [ahem, for those of you don't know my scale 10 is super duper happy, 0 is the most sinky end of the world sadness]. so yeah. "normal" people... on "normal" days, will range 6-8, with someone/thing that brightens your day, you may hit a 8.5 or 9, 10s are rare... like super amazing surprise party, wedding, etc; so i suppose you get the variations? okay. well. emotions suck, and stress sucks, and friends that step on my toes... or that say things that i misinterpret (because i do that when i'm stressed and not doing so hot...) and i know it. so i do my best to keep calm, keep my head on, and i know that the emotions will pass. and are passing.

i'm sorry for the emotions. i just can't help them. and my writing... really helps me.

and no, no i will not call you when i need you. i'm sorry if it would make you feel better that i trust you to listen to me cry. but i can't ask for help. i wish i was comfortable with it. i think if you were here, i would call so i could have someone here with me. otherwise, calling someone just doesn't seem worth it. i need someone, not a voice.

D*MN

2011-04-05T17:48:00.002-05:00

holy gosh i need a nap. i forgot that april is that whole "end of the semester" cram time.

16days:14tests,1presentation,12hrsOfSeminar

and then freedom.

until then, i am doggone tired. D... i've been trying to think of a good D all dayy...
diary, datebook, daylight savings time (is amazing, the weather here is great), d'oh, dialogue, dampening of sounds... deltoid, dark, diversified (is a type of adjustment technique i'm using?)... yeahh... nothing sounds too interesting. i would almost be tempted to discuss the incus, malleus and stapes (the smallest bones in your body, in your ear, and how they dampen sound, and maybe something about the nerves involved... but my brain fails me and cannot think of the nerves involved). but i guess i can be thankful for it anyways, because well, otherwise i'd be deaf by now. oh good, another D.

maybe tomorrow i'll write about elephants? orr maybe not.
i hope you're weather is Deeeelightful like mine!!

[i took a two hour nap, woke up, rethought of my "D" post, then thought "DUMBO" man... i knew there was a reason elephants were on the mind, good-ole subconscious. i love me some dumbo.]

C.... is usually for communication, not today!!

2011-04-04T17:15:00.001-05:00

i don't feel like ranting about communication like i usually do.

But Chiropractic! i could talk about that for days!!

so for anyone who doesn't know what we do... basically everything we do effects how our spine is positioned... i have horrible posture, and slouch all day long, and because of this, i have weird leg pains, weird reproductive problems, weird muscle strain when walking uphill... etc. and when walking on a crowned road for a long period of time my hips hurt, and so does my low back, because i have a short leg, only 3mm which is very minimal, but it tends to mess all sorts of things up. There's a boy in my class with a 14mm short leg, and he didn't even know it... that's almost a whole damn inch!! which means his low back tilted to the right, and ribs/ thoracic (mid-upper back)tilts to the left to make up for it... which is basically the same thing that happens when someone sits on their phone/wallet etc (like while driving, or on the sofa, or in class... don't sit on your wallet!!

Yes, physical therapy helps, yes, exercise helps. HOWEVER. although they will make your muscles move more optimally, and take some stress off of the bones, the bones will not naturally move back to where they need to be, they'll just move wherever it makes the least stress/ least pain/ allows you to function in whatever you do or don't do. so if you don't do anything... well when you get old, don't expect to do any more than what you do now.

alright, that was a little bit of a rant. But i guess moral of the story is: meds will not correct the problem, they relieve pain (and usually with side effects). chiropractic won't always correct the problem, but they can encourage improved body functioning, and reduce pain, without the daily toxic chemical dosing.

BRAINS

2011-04-02T15:22:00.001-05:00

random fact about me: i love zombie books, and zombie movies. And when in anatomy where we sawed open the skull (let me tell you bone dust is awful), and took out the brain, and neuroanatomy, where we identified all of the nooks and crannies (of the brain and it's vasculature.

also about brains: mine has gone haywire, but i'm thankful for my mother settling me back down. It's good to have some common sense talked to me. I also don't know if i like the "theme" that i've turned my blog into. my blog doesn't like themes. although i do like that it gets my wheels turning about science... it's definitely making me feel a bit claustrophobic and like i need to continue to discuss whatever falls around into the messiness of my life, and turning into randomly good morals, or whatever it seems to be.

so the theme may be... i'm not so sure, maybe hoping that something related to my life can relate to a word which correlates with the letter of the day. that's putting a lot in the hands of fate. i'm sure it'll all work out fine. i don't think my goal is to get more people hooked on the randomness of my blogs. :)

B is for... boys, bicycle, brachium!

2011-04-02T12:26:00.002-05:00

So i Bought this really fantastic Bicycle last year... and it's only had a few rides. I feel like life shot me in the foot and i was far too distracted, depressed, to focus on things that would keep me happy.

Brachium. i looked up "origin of brachium" in effort to find if it was latin, greek, etc... and i definitely got a list of origin and insertion for muscles. So Anyways, the Brachium refers to the arm, i loved dissecting the arm. for those of you that don't know, i spent two semesters in a cadaver lab, dissecting him inside and out (well, outside first, peeling him like an onion, so to speak). and the worst part of the arm... the Brachial Plexus. So if you didn't know before, in your armpit there is a TON of nerves, so we can do all these advanced, fine-tuned little motions with our fingers, including all the typing, arts, etc.

And infact, just like this picture... we had to saw a chunk of the clavicle out to get to it more easily. But then, on top if it, there's fat so it's more protected, and lymph nodes! which have are one of my least favorite things to remember about the anatomy lab. I have a friend which had a double mastectomy, which involved scraping of all the breast tissue out, and they went out into the Brachial plexus area. They must have nicked something... because she definitely has numbness down the back of one arm but not the other, but also doesn't have a clue if she's sweating or not, she can't feel it! I guess she's lucky the Brachial plexus is so well entwined that she still has all of her peripheral muscles (lower arms, hands) functioning, or it would be less likely she'd be in chiropractic school with me!

A to Z in April, Letter A

2011-04-01T19:57:00.007-05:00

I'm taking the A to Z in april challenge
i feel like i haven't taken any Assignments that give me Any sort of challenge as of late. so I suppose this is what i will do. it involves a letter of the alphabet for each blog, alphabetically, annd blog every day minus sundays... which i feel like i do that enough that it shouldn't be too much of an extraneous task, except that i will be specifically tackling "A" task. haha.

Today is brought to you by the letter A. if you hadn't noticed. And i have intentions of using this challenge as an education exercise. so i'm going to dig up gray's Anatomy and find a muscle. Perhaps not a muscle everyday, but something maybe sciencey smartsy.

Anconeus. And to think i almost forgot about you!! I'm pretty sure i learned something about a goose in relation to you. hmm. In fact, Anconeus lives in the posterior Arm near the Elbow!!

Anconeus says: how dare you nearly forget about me? i am important for pronation and supination (flipping your hand palm up to hold a bowl of soup, and turning it over, to dump the soup out). I in fact knew a girl with a condition (in fact, i never asked her what it was, i knew her in middle school, and was far too shy, or thought i'd offend her if i asked)... well she couldn't hold a bowl of soup, she couldn't flip her forearm over for someone to hand her a set of keys. And now i wonder if it was a nervous problem, musculoskeletal problem, or one of many other things, that i cannot even imagine which would leave her with that condition. Hmm.

Isn't she a beauty? For all of you that don't care much by science, i would like to say, do not take your muscles and body for granted. I love the muscles, and it was one of my favorite portions of anatomy. There are too many for me to count, but they let me do a fabulous number of things that i am thankful for!

the love of friendship

2011-04-01T12:59:00.000-05:00

thank goodness for my friends. the helpful sanity of someone telling me "yes, your interpretation of the situation is correct. but i don't know that doing that would be in your best interest, you should think long and hard before making a decision." that disagreement is comforting. to know that my friends are open enough to trust that i will not be offended by their disagreement. and i think they're right. i will continue to put my mask on around the family and prance around like life is hunky dory. i think it is in my best interest. (that was a pinch of sarcasm, sometimes i wish i could put on a mask like that, but honestly, i would probably push myself over a bridge).

i am still in a bit of distress, but i have to let it pass. I have been hung up on family for so long, and none of my friends understand how i grew up in such a distant family... [and now i just want to say "so if it's not broken don't fix it"] but it is broken so i want to fix it. but i guess i've put my effort into applying glue, and if it just doesn't want hold true, well i guess that's just how it's gonna be. I shouldn't waste my stress on things that cannot be changed. i miss my favorite therapist. yepp.

affirmation

2011-03-31T23:22:00.000-05:00

i've been the one who has needed affirmation my whole life. for a small period of time, i learned how to speak to myself, to verbally remind myself... i still know how to. it's just not the same as having someone here. there was awhile that i got hugs regularly, that i was the one at school that they looked at me, and they knew i needed a hug. i recently have been better and have not needed this so much, or maybe i don't show it. I think it's how my brain is functioning so much differently than it has in a very long time. but alls i want right now is my besty for three days straight, and then to be able to see her once a day after that, just for a hug. I just need hugs from someone who understands, who knows, who sees.

My heart goes out to boys who can't ask for hugs, because i can't imagine not being able to ask for that when i have a bad day, or bad week. I can't imagine being without the physical comfort of someone else in the world seeing me. I know some people don't need it, or atleast i think there might be some people that don't need it, but maybe we all do- even if we distance ourselves. hearts, world, hearts.

kittens and glass

2011-03-31T00:30:00.000-05:00

Benatar (the 9mos old kitten) thought that it was playtime still... when i was in bed doing a little light reading (my book from the self-help section is amazing). and then... she decides to run full speed off my bed, onto the side table, smashing into my glass lamp and knocking it off (breaking it into many pieces). atleast... the mechanism still works, so it may become an art project of mine (hahahhahahha. how many art projects do i have that i will do "when i have time"). right. so anyways. frustrated. this was not how i wanted to end my night. back to calming the soul and putting myself right. downside= i can't lean over to turn off my reading light now, i have to walk my tail across the room for darkness. *growls*

for one reason

2011-03-29T18:55:00.000-05:00

i had intentions of linking my sister to yesterdays blog post. to assist initiating some conversation that i've never had with her. and for one reason or other, i've decided against it. it's usually my style to try and try, and this time, well i don't think so, this time i just can't do it.

COMMUNICATION!!

2011-03-28T22:25:00.001-05:00

okay, this topic is getting old... but so is the fact that my peers at school are ages 20-40, with all varies of relationships, naive-nesses, levels of communication skills. But i suppose this should be the first thing everyone should notice when meeting, speaking, that every moment we have a conversation, we are not the same person, we must vary our speech with every person.

With children we use no profanity, we are not crude. with some friends, i am myself, or close to it; with others, i bite my tongue; with some more sensitive~ i tiptoe, and speak a little kinder, a little gentler. There are even times where i feel like people that SUCk at communicating, well i don't want to tell them, because they already know, and it's not my job to tell them.

I am pretty proud of where i am on this whole communicating thing. except, that i am better in writing than in person, mostly because sometimes i have 15 pages of speech and i'm pretty sure that a monologue is not a dialogue someone wants to listen to. so usually i'm short-changed or they're short-changed, or both.

my sister. somedays i wish i could have a sister like other people have a sister. that person you grew up with, that you can call anytime, that knows where you came from, that knows who you are. I'm sure not everyone that has a sister, has one like i'm depicting. But the sadness i have is that i would love to grow a relationship, but i like starting a friendship that's been chronically broken, by starting to communicate in writing, and she hates the writing, she hates the texting. it's how i started the friendship with my mother, it worked well, we're friends now. (i know that most people want a mother like other people have a mother, and i suppose i would like that too, but that's not an option anymore).

and i know people are allowed to have their own feelings, but i'm afraid this would hurt her to read. And something my sister and mother always did, was didn't speak their minds, with intentions of not hurting anyone ever, even if it meant biting tongues and being hurting all day, and letting others hurt you all day. I don't play this game with anyone but them. i hate this game, my tongue is bleeding, and it hurts so much.

thought provoking

2011-03-27T22:46:00.001-05:00

i am hardly ever thought provoked anymore unless its "hmm science, i wonder how that works...?" which is not my favorite thought provoking thing... unless its somehow directly (or ahem, personally) relevant. I think there could be a lot of wonderful thought provoking things out there, but i don't have time to dig my hands in.

I did come across this gentleman writer...
http://www.theatlantic.com/ta-nehisi-coates
and he truly gets my brain spinning. The writing has been enjoyable so far, then reading his comments... wow. it almost makes me want to start bickering to get my point across! Which is SO not me, i stand my ground well, and i think i am very opinionated, yet open-minded; but very anti-confrontational.

honestly, i'm shocked that anyone can read blogs and not comment (i didn't comment on his because... well he already had 100+ comments, i assumed my opinion was heard somewhere in there). and sometimes i wish i knew who really sits and reads my blog (i know of three people, and get more hits than that). or that the numbers aren't just abstract falsetto cruel joke. anonymous comments are welcome, even if i know you personally but you'd rather me not know you stalk me. (again, back to figments of my imagination... being stalked). hah.

blogs. what an addiction (fill in your preferred adjective... i like my blogs, i hate how much time it consumes, or that i don't have time to do it as thoroughly as i'd like to).

flaky

2011-03-27T20:56:00.001-05:00

so i thought you'd be a good friend, or atleast half-way decent. but you fall into the "i don't give a shit about anyone but myself category". i thought i was a better judge of character. I hate to say that about anyone, almost everyone knows how to be a good friend to their best friend, so why can't you be kind and give others a chance? you are really satisfied with the one friend you've had your whole life? maybe i should have taken that as a cue...

or maybe not.

and i still like you enough to give you another chance. and i obviously like you enough to be bothered that you don't give a damn about me.

i just feel like being the kid who says "one day you'll regret it, one day you'll regret stepping on me". but it feels so lowly just to say it. somewhere deep inside i don't believe it. i'm glad i have one person who i strive for their attention, and well... i don't need too, i am appreciated by that one person. i suppose that's all that counts, to be counted by the ones you want to be counted by.

new family

2011-03-26T15:07:00.000-05:00

this will hopefully be a short rant.
a family friend (let's see, i grew up with this family... and then we moved, the mother got remarried, and it's this guy... who i'm friends with on facebook now, that i don't know personally at all, and doesn't know our family personally at all). he decides to write on my wall "I hear you will be an aunt soon... wonderful news! A reason to buy stuff you'll never use! Yay!"

okay so: my sister hasn't announced this pregnancy on facebook, you probably shouldn't go willy nilly announcing other peoples private information on facebook. but not only that... THIS is how you approached it. i replied to it, and then i deleted my comments, and his comment.

#1 i'm already an aunt,
~~but, yes, i'm excited about a little one
#2 a reason to buy stuff
~~really there's an obligation to buy stuff? because honestly, i don't think my sister would put that on me. and you have no idea what situation i'm in. i'm in a very disgusting amount of debt, which is rapidly approaching the six-figures, i'm sure buying little things, would be nice. but i can't afford it, i'm sure... i'll get it something. but more likely i'll make it a stuffed animal, because the time and energy that goes into something personal, and heartfelt is more who i am. so i'm a little offended and upset that he would go about congratulating on an exciting event in someone's lives, and whittle it down to superficial money spending.

an adventure, well two.

2011-03-26T01:25:00.001-05:00

thursday
my little hipster came into town, and we had a date. she brought her friend from school with. this is how our adventures go: she brought me starbucks, we made super cute button earrings, ate "st.louis pizza" it was awful... (i mean it was okay, but not filling or worth the monies), made pillows (so her initial plan was to do "state" pillows... but she bailed for some reason or other)~~ I decided to make a michigan pillow (ahh the former home), and she just made a little rectangle, we watched "coco before chanel", "zombieland", and began "star trek"... an amazing night. atleast she finished her pillow, mine is still in progress... i will hopefully find time to finish that adventure before the end of the semester. Her friend was super awesome too. three straight girls all with lesbian relationship statuses on facebook, ahh what has the world come to? i guess atleast we truly appreciate our friends, and know that camaraderie should come first during some times of our lives.

this also brings to mind the concept of becoming so easily close friends with a girl i randomly met at a coffee shop, but my cousin who is the same age (or... maybe one year older?) i can hardly keep a conversation with. i can't imagine it's the age difference... is it that we're very different people socially? or maybe it's the weird family history/ i don't know what she knows about me... or doesn't know. i'm such a chill person it seems like i'd be able to make friends with my cousin. guess that might just not happen... or maybe not at this moment in our lives.

friday
so tonight i made plans to go to see a local show. my bestie knew, but then she pointed out "you know, i can't really do anything from here even if i did know". So i thought it would be smart to inform a local friend sending him the text "hey if you try and get ahold of me this wkend and dont hear back from me... will you make sure i'm not dead in an alley somewhere?"

and he freaked out.

my bestie responded to my situation: wear your hooker heels and shortest skirt, please don't end up in a dumpster somewhere.

alright. so normally i'm a wordy, and i assume he'd have known because i announce plans like that publically (fb or twitter, someone knows). but he didn't know, and i guess assumed it was a suicide warning or something. so anyways, i'm not that person, those people drive me crazy. so sorry for scaring you (friend i gave a stroke)... i suppose that goes to show how well he knows me, because my bestie knows better and responded more appropriately for who i am. sometimes i'm disappointed that there are so few people who understand. makes being myself complicated.

anyways, the show was awesome. and apparently i need to continue to go to local shows here, and that i feel perfectly comfortable seeing a show without allies. Sleepy Kitty, Union Tree Review, Margot and the Nuclear So and So's.

so much CRAP.

2011-03-23T22:47:00.000-05:00

it has been a sleepy day. and it's seemed like most of my peers have said the same.

a moment to be thankful

i just wrote a long post and deleted it, for fear of being offensive. a sad day when that happens.

please world, listen, everything is okay... you can ask for help, don't feel guilty, and...

so STUCK. how did this get back into my life? get it OUT. i feel horrible for saying it that way... but anyways, my mind and i need to clear up some things... we need to sit down and have a talk, a conference, an intervention of sorts.

hearts.

2011-03-22T20:35:00.000-05:00

yes, maybe i use this word to often, and already have a post labeled hearts. but whatever.

so i forget about that feeling. i used to have this gutwrenching, worthless feeling, this aching heart... and due to medications, i can't quite reach that place in the same way. So the general "sad" i get, is usually an annoyance, that it's an in- between and that it will never feel quite like a "down" because, well my "down/upset" days used to be a lot lower on the scale. and i haven't met anyone who quite gets that i like to wallow here, and if i say that i'm going to wallow and hold onto it, it's never quite understood. To be perfectly honest, once i sit and down and think about "feelings", i feel like i don't have many, and sometimes i feel distraught that i can't pinpoint any feeling at any one moment. I think i've cried once, maybe twice in the past year, and that bothers me. a lot.

so anyways i heard "i found a reason" performed by cat power (originally velvet underground), and i had to repeat it a few more times. it gave me a glimpse of that longing, that sadness. i loved it. i think i may read "an unquiet mind" by Kay Redfield Jamison again (it sits next to my bed), it helps give me that "i am not alone" feeling. And when i used to have my ups and downs... it used to calm me, there's something soothing about having someone there with you, surviving it with you. well, surviving it with me. let's not go about making assumptions willy-nilly about my readers.

survive on.
thrive on.

(i kind of like the sounds of that... a poem maybe. maybe sometime.)

feeling better

2011-03-21T20:43:00.000-05:00

you know what's nice about being single? having friends that are boys.
When i got into this relationship, all of my guy friends disappeared. and i was informed (or we inferred) that it was because that they were interested in me. Which means, they were not really my friends anyways. Which also makes me question the friendship of all guys, but i guess there's no way to test this friendship, except to wait it out and see who stays and who goes. but anyways, settling into this single-dom is pretty good.

eating at home... (that being, feeding myself, not the "family" sort of "home"), is so much better feeling. idk if it's that my body really is so much happier, or if it's just that one's body becomes accustomed to whatever diet you feed it. (that being... i ate lots of crap growing up, and it never made me feel ill). so anyways, my burger, avocado, dill pickles, sauteed veggies... mmm feeling better.

i also feel like my ability to focus and study is improving. it's amazing. but i'm also reading a book which is all about teaching your subconscious to have confidence in itself. myself. i think it's making me happier, i like it.

somewhat personal

2011-03-20T23:43:00.000-05:00

so i've been personal. and i think i'm going to go back into a little more general, despite everything i discuss generally, is obviously thriving in my personal life.

marriage, or something.
"Coco before Chanel" was absolutely fabulous. And I assume most people understand going into the movie that it's about the woman starting the company Chanel. It stars Audrey Tautou, who i absolutely adore, and in fact would love to have any of her features. gorgeous. But anyways, these french films have me tripping at my knees and falling flat on my face for love. and then there's the heartbreak of the girl is in love with a married man, or a man who could not marry a girl of her... worth (for lack of better words).

a quote put up on FB tonight, after the film:
"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left"
i don't even have words to respond to how i feel about this. i am at a loss for words (which is a seldom occurrence).

where is my third? i need my events to come in threes. I need some third confirming factor to stamp the loss of faith in... true love or something. Ah well, if i don't see it/hear it soon, I am certain i will going to bed telling myself that the love of my life is out there waiting for me, probably telling himself the same thing before falling asleep at night.